A private lens into my miscarriage journey

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Is miscarriage a taboo where nobody ever talks about in the society? There’s been a lot of tears but God helped me through it in the end. I know for sure it was a blessing in disguise.

I’ve been pondering whether I should share this in public as miscarriage has always been such a private matter that nobody dares to ever talk about, it is considered as a taboo in the Chinese community in particular where people just keep the news to themselves, albeit very common. (1 in 4 pregnancies ended in a miscarriage, can you believe it?!) I’ve thought long and hard, and after the news has settled for around a year, and I’ve regained my mental strength, I decided to share it…just in case there’s someone out there who has or is experiencing it now and needs some advice and support.

malta family trip march 2018
We went to Malta in March 2018 when I knew I was pregnant with the second baby
Rend and Eli having fun in Malta
We were having so much fun nobody knew what was to come afterwards

My miscarriage happened around this time last year, 3rd May 2018, to be exact. I first knew I was pregnant around mid March 2018. I didn’t pay much attention to it in the first few weeks (as per the last pregnancy with Eli) as it was still very early. The first 2-3 weeks flew past, with me being very tired and had no appetite at all. Now that I’m recalling it, it was definitely unusual as I was always eating in the first trimester when I was pregnant with Eli. I also had no morning sickness for some reason. But again, I didn’t pay a lot of attention to that as there was not much morning sickness with Eli as well. (maybe I vomited once after having a Macdonld’s meal?! lol)

The only other thing that was unusual with my 2nd pregnancy other than having no appetite and no morning sickness was that there was a bit of pain in my lower abdomen a few days before I missed my period. It was a stabbing pain where it was so painful it left my eyes wide open for the night. The pain stopped the following day but it came back again when I was around 4-5 weeks pregnant. Again, it was this stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. (No I didn’t have any paracetamol as it was still early stages I didn’t want to harm the baby) It was so strong and uncomfortable that I had to go to the early pregnancy centre for a check-up.

As I was only 4 weeks pregnant at the time, the baby was too small to be located and was too small to have a heartbeat, but the sac was there and everything seemed fine. So I went home. The pain went on and off for a couple of days and it stopped. Everything went back to normal after that.

My bump grew bigger and bigger afterwards. I wasn’t particularly worried about it as I thought that was the second pregnancy, and it was normal for my stomach muscles to have loosened a bit. (But of course, that wasn’t the case..!)

On 3rd May 2018 (my 8th week of pregnancy), the pain came back stronger and harder and it literally felt like labour pain. I knew at that moment that baby was gone. (although I had no other symptoms at that point). *tears streaming down my face when typing* Moments later, I found myself sitting in the toilet with tissues filled with blood. Bright red blood. There was so much blood that it could fill a few tampons. I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do. I froze. Rend was at work so I immediately called him.

When he came home, I was in so much pain that he had to call an ambulance for us to go to A&E immediately. The staff said the ambulance would take around 2 hrs to come to ours so we ended up driving to the hospital. When we got to the hospital, there were so many people waiting in front of us and we waited for around an hour before we got to see a doctor.

Needless to say further, baby was gone and what they did was to check my blood pressure and I could go home rest. (They couldn’t do anything at the end of the day right?!) There was this lady sitting beside us who was crying her eyes out, I’ve overheard she’s lost her baby that day as well.

The following day, I went back to the early pregnancy centre to confirm the baby was completely out so they didn’t have to perform any surgery on me. The good news was the baby was out completely so I didn’t need a surgery! Thank God for that!

So, this is pretty much the end of my miscarriage story. From then on, I was crying every day, for the following week. I was angry at God, I was crying out to him, I was asking, why me? I’ve had some ups and downs in life, but losing my own baby to me, is just unperceivable. I felt like a part of me was gone. I guess this is why mothers have this instant love for their children. Children is a part of them (even when they are still in the mothers’ womb!).

Eli and I at our back garden
This was taken shortly before my miscarriage, in late April 2018

From my past experience, no matter it was a mistake of mine or not, or how bad the situation was, God would fix it for me. But this time, I felt like God was there for sure, seeing me in pain and still letting this happen to me. I felt betrayed. I was asking him all sorts of questions. I was at the lowest point in my life. It was like the whole world just fell on me and I didn’t know what to expect anymore.

Things did get better after a few weeks of rest and prayer. I kind of regained my soul. I knew this happened for a reason. God let it happen for a reason. And that reason was for the benefit of me. For the bible says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10; also in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

God used his words to comfort me and I knew I had to get back up to fight. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? After the incident, I felt I was pretty much invincible. Mentally I was so strong it just wasn’t me. I knew at that point God has moulded me into a stronger, better self. Yes, there were a lot of pain and tears, but God brought me through it till the end. He was right there with me the whole journey. I knew in my heart that the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. I felt so much better and hopeful of the future, trusting that he will have the best in stored for me.

Rend and I in Malta 2018
Trusting God in good and in bad situations!

Friends, I don’t know what you are facing in life today, maybe you are at your lowest point, maybe you have left God or you are a unbeliever, whatever it is, God loves you and his love won’t change no matter what happens. I pray that there’s still a tiny light in you that you will never give up, and fight a good fight till the very end.

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